My 5 Year-Old Son

My little boy is 5 today.  He loves his two sisters and two brothers.  Despite the common squabbles that would suggest otherwise, he definitely loves them.  He loves having little brothers to play with and likes to show them how to be little boys.  He is so proud to be the man of the house when Daddy is away.  He likes tractors and trains, dinosaurs and dogs.  He likes to play in dirt and splash in mud puddles.  He likes to run and play catch and chase bugs and frogs.  His favorite food is macaroni and cheese.  He's excited for his birthday cake.  My little boy is 5 today.

At least he would be 5 if he were still with us.  And I imagine all of the above descriptions would be accurate.  But he is not here with us anymore.  And he is not 5 today.  He is forever 3 1/2.  So I can only imagine what a 5 year-old Fane would be like. 

I was up late last night.  It occurred to me that I was putting off going to bed.  I realized that I simply didn't want to go to sleep.  I knew that when I woke up Fane would still be gone.  And I just didn't want to spend his birthday without him.  I still don't want to. 

Today is overcast and gloomy.  It's fitting for my mood.  Oh, how I'd love to be getting ready for a birthday party.  Instead I am making a cake that we will eat without him.  We will take it to him and sing "Happy Birthday" but we will eat it without him.  I am sad for us, but happy for him.  I've always been a fan of birthdays.  Birthdays are fun here.  Just imagine how much better they are in heaven when you have Jesus to celebrate with.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Fane! My sweet, sweet boy...we miss you so!!