A Father And His Son

Evidently Fane was so much a daddy's boy that he had to make his entrance two months early just to be born on Father's Day.  Or perhaps it was being born on Father's Day that made him such a daddy's boy.  Most likely it was neither but it is something that I've thought about.  Regardless, Fane was unquestionably a daddy's boy.

It was around 12-13 months that Fane really started gravitating towards Jerry.  He loved being outside and riding in any kind of machine.  And those were things that Daddy's always done.  And Jerry could make him giggle like no one else.  How I miss that giggle.  Plus, at the time his brand new baby sister was occupying quite a bit of my time.  So it makes perfect sense that Fane would be so attached to Daddy.  I never begrudged Jerry that.  It was amazing to see them together and I was happy for them.  













I was definitely envious, though.  The relationship that Fane and Jerry had was so special.  Everyone noticed it.  It was hard not to. There was no one Fane loved more than Daddy.  I was a distant third or fourth behind Uncle Taylor and Grandpa Hall.  There were many times that Fane acted as though he didn't even like me.  I'd be lying if I said that didn't sting a little.  But I always reminded myself that he would grow out of it someday and that I was special to him too.  Only he never did grow out of it.  His time here ended before he got the chance to.

It often seems like people put more focus on grieving mothers than grieving fathers.  Yet fathers suffer the loss just as much.  I think mothers and fathers tend to be affected by and deal with it differently.  That's definitely been true for us.  But make no mistake, we were both deeply affected by such a profound loss.  And we grieved hard.  We still do sometimes.  Though we walk this path differently, we walk it together.

It was Jerry that told me Fane was gone.  Actually, he didn't tell me.  I remember laying in the ER when he came in.  I asked very hopefully if they'd found Fane.  It was his teary eyes and the ever so slight shake of his head that told me what I already knew.  And I asked him to forgive me.  Even though it was an accident, I was at fault.  I asked him not to leave me.  I'd heard the divorce statistics after the death of a child.  He told me I was forgiven and that he'd never leave me.  He spent that long terrible night with me in the ER...went with me to the funeral home...took care of me while my arm healed...stood beside me at Fane's casket...held me while I cried.  We held each other.  He took the time to get the permit and approval to have Fane buried on the property where we'll build our house.  We were there together as they put the vault in the ground.  Jerry himself filled the hole while I looked on.  Just the two of us.  And never once did he blame me.  I've apologized for the accident more times than I can count.  If it weren't for my mistake Fane would likely still be here.  It was because of me that he was gone.  I felt like I had robbed him of such a beautiful father/son relationship.  Jerry just told me that if it weren't for me he'd never have had him in the first place.  He's shown me more grace than I could have hoped for.  I look back on the could haves, should haves, and would haves.  Jerry looks toward our eternal future where we'll be reunited for good.















It seems these days that the role of husband and father is undervalued in our society.  That's an entirely different subject that I don't care to elaborate on in this post. Though, I will say that it's a load of foolish nonsense.  I am unashamed to say that I need Jerry.  Not only do I need him but our kids need him too.  Frankly, our society needs more fathers and husbands like him.

I am so thankful for both of these guys.  I'm thankful for my husband who loves me in spite of my flaws and failures.  He's seen me at my worst and still he stays.  I'm thankful for his strength when mine is gone.  For his faith in uncertain times.  His work ethic.  Just thankful that he's mine.  I doubt that he will ever truly grasp just how much I adore him.







 And I am thankful for my firstborn, Fane.  I am thankful that I had him for three and a half years.  Though, truth be told I was hoping for another sixty or seventy.  I am thankful for the joy he brought to our lives.  For his innocence and kind heart.  For his blond curls and dimples.  His sparkly eyes and infectious laughter.  I am thankful for the memories.

The truth is, my life has been forever changed on account of both of these important men in my life.  I'd like to think I'm better because of it, but in all honesty I'm probably not the best person to make that judgement.













 So on this, Fane's 6th birthday/Father's Day I celebrate the only man I've ever loved and the kid who turned him into a daddy.  I love them both more than words can say.  And I'm proud to call them mine.